Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's SONA 2008

"My fellow Filipinos,... I am a failure. I promised a lot in last year's State of the Nation Address that went totally to Malacañang's overpriced trashcans. I thought letting the Peso value go boosting up in such a short span of time would be the pinnacle of my rotting career as your president. But alas, due to lust for money, my skills and wit as an economist, once my only weapon against my fellow presidential candidates FPJ and Erap, has waned like the "bankang papel" parody that never made it to box office. Even my trusted advisers admit to this. It's a good thing, though, that there are only a few economists in this country- this horrible miscalculation had never made it to newspaper headlines. Good thing Congress is no haven for economists, either, so it may not be necessary to explain it here now.

Indeed, I am a failure, but it is true that it does not worry me just as how it seems it does not worry much of this country. There will be some who would complain, raise their voice, but would act not that much to go against the waves. Such is the nature of the Filipino- much to the benefit of those in control, of course.

What is the state of our nation? To put it in layman's terms- The Philippines today is like a patient diagnosed with the last stages of cancer and resulting complications and now is spending it's last days in a poor provincial hospital. I, the doctor, would say she has a 50/50 chance for survival, but the machines that operate most of her internals are just ways to cheat death. I promise those concerned, though, that there is still hope. "May pag-asa pa." People are witness to a big economic crisis today, though I gladly report that most of our kababayan still believe that we are in control, just as how much they believe those tax-funded TV and printed ads saying the government is doing a great job these days. The supply of rice will never go up as real estate magnates have already ruled over agricultural lands. The prices of gasoline will never cease to go up as we cannot anymore control it- though we actually can by careful re-evaluation and forced manipulation of tax policies and deregulation to benefit the masses- only that we won't as we fear the oil cartel people would cancel support on 2010. It would be like signing our own resignation, to which my husband, Mr. Arroyo, and the rest of the Macapagal-Arroyo clan would not be so pleased. Same goes to the World Bank.

We could at least tell the big oil companies to temporarily lower the prices temporarily before a big event that will give me good feedback, like... this State of the Nation Address. The people need signs of improvement in these trying times. And they will take a bite at it just like how the cancer patient would clamour for morphine for temporary relief.

My government will continue to be PRO-POOR (applause from the audience)..., though, as this political propaganda had worked since President Aguinaldo learned the term "politics". We learn so much from the cigarette industry- say "Cigarette Smoking is dangerous to your health." but continue selling it anyway. WE ARE PRO-POOR. We sympathize with those below the poverty line, so we give them the basic needs, at the most. We shake hands with them, hug them while brewing in mind a good government TV commercial or printed ad. We can't provide them means to improve their lives- free education, for instance. We can't even put more of the annual budget to education. We don't want more smarter and more intelligent people protesting in the streets or coming up with bright ideas that would threaten corruption as our way of life. How could we promise a bright future without the need for clarification (or making it possible, even) it if we do so? The internet and the texting industry had already done it's damage- the poor isn't happy with a simple "poso" on a street corner anymore- in the more developed areas like Manila's slums, though my advisers say it's still a big hit in the far provinces.

Today, I promise a bright future. I will not provide any more details than that as doing so, like last year, would be put against me anyway. The Congress whose minds now roam in the comforts of their haciendas seem not to be affected. I have my helicopter outside to bring me back to Malacañang safe and sound, so no need to worry about tomato-stains on my limousine and my hundred thousand dollar blouse. Though hunger and slow death by financial crisis would render each Filipino hate against the country's seat of power, let me assure you that my life is in no clear and present danger. Anyway, like any other day, my office had been saved thanks to the Filipino's unique skill to forget by being overwhelmed by other concerns to divert attention. Sulpicio still rule the sea transport industry amidst it's unpopularity; the Philippines will forever be a center of natural calamities and yearly panic and damage that it causes; and TV networks will never run out of numerous showbiz scandals and Pacquiao exclusives in their sleeves. Only a few notice this trend, and I thank these people who continue to support the government by dominating much of the brains of a great part of the Filipino population.

Mga kababayan, ang inyong lingkod ay mananatili sa pwesto dahil na rin sa inyong kamangmangan. Maraming salamat po."